|
9-19-08
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you
not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest
then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
The rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation
and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The
rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally,
the rabbi said, 'Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
9-18-08
Car Extras
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I
got one too...see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just
about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in
the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada
takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and
orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next
to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified
Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this
out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"
The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...
The
Indian Chief proclaims, ' So, you are the great
Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in
three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What
is your first request? '
The Lone Ranger responds, ' I ' d like to speak to my horse. '
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in
Silver ' s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As
the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger ' s tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the
Indian Chief admits he ' s impressed.
' You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days.
What is your second request? '
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and
once again he whispers in the horse ' s ear. As before, Silver
takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later
that evening, to the Chief ' s surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger ' s tent and also spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is
again impressed. He tells the
Lone Ranger, ' You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill
you tomorrow.
' So what is your last request? '
The Lone Ranger responds,
' I ' d like to speak to
my horse.... alone. '
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger ' s tent.
Once they ' re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs
Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says:
' Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE ' .
1-18-08 Breeding Bulls
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the
breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day.
You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition
has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
1-2-08
Ron's Assholes
Ron died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they
sent for his two brothers, Chris and Jeff. The three brothers had always done everything together.
Chris
arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Chris said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Chris said, "Nope, ain't Ron."
The mortician thought
that was rather strange. Then he brought Jeff in to identify the body. Jeff took a look at the body and said, "Yup,
he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Jeff said, "No, it ain't Ron."
The
mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Jeff said, "Well, Ron had two assholes."
"What? He had two
assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say,
'Here comes Ron with them two assholes.'"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical
therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began
to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying
with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
12-26-07
20 Years With My Wife
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He
was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at
the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty
years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
12-11-07
Packer Personal Hygiene
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
12-5-07
Ron & Chris
Ron and Chris where feeling kinda thirsty but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
Ron said "Hang on lad, I have an idea."
He
went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Chris said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have
any money left at all!" Ron replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the bar where he immediately ordered
two bottles of Bud Light and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Chris said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble
we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Ron replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They
downed their Drinks. Ron said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your
mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more
and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth Bar Chris said "Ron - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm
drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Ron said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub"
12-1-07
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked,
"Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything
like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light
in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The
father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........
"Boy..................go gitcha
Momma............"
11-27-07
Cat Scan
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to
an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after
a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to
the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the
vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man
is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your
dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers,
"$550."
"$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged
you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Bonus Joke-
Killer Whales
There were two Orca (killer whales) swimming around the Arctic Ocean.
One whale turned
to the other whale and said, "Hey! Do you see that fishing boat off in the distance? What do you say we swim over there, blow
some water out of our blow holes, ram the boat and eat all the fishermen?"
The second killer whale said, "Well, I am
up for the blow job, but I don't eat seamen."
11-26-07
What's the difference between a St. Louis County fairytale and a Jefferson County fairytale? A St. Louis
County fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A Jefferson County fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe
this Shit..."
11-22-07
TWO TIGERS
Two tigers were stalking through the jungle looking for the evenings meal.
Upon stalking the rear tiger sticks its tounge out and licks the ass of the first
tiger.
The first tiger flips around slaps the second and asks, "What the hell are you
doing?"
The second tiger lays its head in shame and apologizes.
The tigers then resume stalking. Upon stalking through awhile longer the second
tiger again sticks its tounge out
and again licks the ass of the first tiger.
The first tiger flips out mad as hell and again asks the rear tiger
"What the hell do you think you are doing? "The second replies in shame,
"Im sorry it wont happen again." The first tiger believing the second resumes
stalking.
A few minutes go by as the tigers begin their stalking patterns. Upon walking the rear tiger thinks for a moment
and for the third time sticks its tounge out and licks the ass of the front tiger.
Before he even gets his tounge back in his mouth
the first tiger flips around
and cuffs the tigers head in his mouth. He the asks for the last time,
"What the hell do you think you are doing licking my ass?"
The second tiger
then gives this disgusted look and pleasingly tells the other
tiger,
"I just ate a Packer fan and I am trying to
get the taste out of my mouth!"
11-22-07
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they
are Cubs fans too. No one really knowing what a Cubs fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their
hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen who has not
gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Cubs Fan."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
“Why, I'm a proud Cards Fan," boasts the little girl.
The
teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Kristen why she is a rebel.
“Well,
my mom and dad are Cards Fans, so I'm a Cards Fan too."
The teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason,"
she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron,
and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and
a smile.
“Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Cubs Fan"
10-21-07
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade
class when the teacher asked the
children
what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -
Fireman, Truck Driver, Salesman, etc. Johnny
was being
uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer
in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the
alley with some guy for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement immediately changed the subject and
hurriedly set the other children to work on a coloring project. She then took Little Johnny aside and asked him, "Is that
really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He's the Head Coach for the Saint Louis Rams. I was just too embarrassed to say that."
This just may be a Mick joke if I've ever heard one!
There once was a lady who had identical twin boys, named Amal and Juan.
She could not care for them so she gave them up for adoption. One couple adopted Juan and moved to Spain. Another couple adopted
Amal and moved to Iraq. Ten years later Juan sent his birth mother a letter and a picture of himself. The mother told her
husband she wished Amal would send her a picture too. The husband said, "Well, when you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"!!!
9-27-07
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks
which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the
condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got
a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over
to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
9-27-07
We just got our hands on the test that the Rams use before drafting there
Offensive Lineman:
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the
ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give
the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail
the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___
(b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many
feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7.
How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a)
Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter:
__________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of
England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain
come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's
Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled
Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your
name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America
produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced
math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
9-25-07
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The
counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers
not me."
9-19-07 Ron,
Jeff a Chris was heading up to the river for the day. They where a little concerned about being bored. So Jeff pulls out his
harmonica and says "If I get bored I can just play all my favorite songs". Ron chimes in and says "I brought my deck of cards,
I can just play solitare". Chris reaches behind the seat and pulls out a box of Tampons, and says " I says right here
that with these things I can go swimming, horseback riding & cycling,......"
8-24-07
Which one does not belong?
A) Lobster
B) Crab
C) Salmon
D) Chinese
guy run over by a streamroller
The answer of course is C) Salmon…
because the other three are crustaceans!
Jeff - If you’re having trouble
please sound it out.
8-20-07 (PM)
Little Chris Pleimann comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Chris seems to
be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a
talk with Chris about this."
So Chris's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,
and closes the door.
- First, Chris, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes
it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
which
he does.
- And now, Chris, please take off my panties.
and when Chris finishes removing those, she says,
"Christopher, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
8-20-07
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles,
from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed,
the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes
her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then,
she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his
oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That
was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? "
7-27-07
A guy goes to the supermarket
and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello and he's rather taken aback because he can't
place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
7-23-07
Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker
were arguing about which
place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a
tree that no woodpecker
could peck.
The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree
in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like
to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence
he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree
with no problem.So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian
tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their
own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...
Your pecker is always harder
when you're away from home.
3-3-07
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A
quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was
unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must
be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely
right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
2-13-07
There was a woman who was interested
in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you
do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your
boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that
they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed.
By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing
her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go
to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
2-5-07
A man had box seat tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right
mind would have a
seat like
this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"
The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't
you find someone else, like a
friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"The
man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
2-3-07
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness
Stout & having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer & said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home
& told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly & said, "John
won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye & I was a bit surprised meself! You know,
he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep & the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
BONUS JOKE
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig
I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
12-27-06
Geroge Bush, Laura Bush and Dick Cheney where flying in a private jet when George says, "I can throw
a $1,000 dollar bill out of the window and make 1 person happy today."
Laura said, "Well, I can throw 10 one hundred
dollar bills out and make 10 people happy today."
Then Dick said, "I can throw out 100 ten dollar bills and make a
hundred people happy."
The 2 pilots were listening to what they were saying and said, "HA! We got them beat cause we
can throw all 3 of them out of the plane and make 54 million very happy today!"
12-18-06
A
man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While
en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he
intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly
arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the
blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The
wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the
Hummer I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He
paid for your St. Louis Rams season tickets.
He
paid for our house at the lake.
He
paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking
his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He
looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The
cabby replied; "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
11-16-06 St. Louis- Child Custody Battle (STL Post Dispatch)
St. Louis-- A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a
St. Louis
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged
a court ruling over
who should have
custody of him. The boy has a history of being
beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations
requiring that family unity be maintained.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Aunt
beat
him more than his parents and he adamantly
refused to live with
her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his
grandparents,
the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After
considering the remainder of the immediate family and
learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among
them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to
propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses
to check
legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge
granted temporary
custody to the St. Louis Rams, whom the boy
firmly
believes is not capable of beating anyone.
1-20-06
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly
and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
12-9-05
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant,
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box
of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!"
|
